Our Stories
Darrell
& Nevin
Kent
& Kari
David
& Maggie
Laura
& Chris
David & Maggie's Story
by Maggie
Both of us had worked very hard to create a conscious relationship, were
mindful of our previous relationships which had failed, and were determined
to learn from them and do better. We brought to our relationship years
of personal growth, as well as understanding from a professional level,
as I am a therapist and David is a therapist-turned-relationship coach.
We were confident and crazy enough to purchase a home together after less
than one year in relationship. We believed that we were more than capable
of practicing what we had learned with one another, and did not view ourselves
to be lost in romantic illusions of one another. And we had each done
lots of reading about relationships, including Getting the Love You Want.
But the reality of a blended family (David's three children, my two, and
the two of us) living together in a little house brought both of us to
old ways of relating that shocked and surprised us. In the midst of the
pain, it was hard to connect with what we knew about relationships. David
did not seem to me to be the person I had thought him to be. He seemed
critical and withdrawn, an achingly familiar experience for me in my story
with my mother. In addition, I viewed his parenting style as authoritarian
and hard, something I had experienced with my father. It was very hard
for me to be around him when he spoke in what I would call a "sharp"
tone of voice.
From David's point of view, I was perhaps not the person he had thought
me to be either. In the face of conflict, I would sometimes exit. I might
exit by dissolving into tears and hopelessness, or I might abruptly exit
the room to hide in the bedroom and sob, without a promise to return.
Another exit was my fantasy that we would move each of our families into
a duplex, so we could parent separately and avoid the conflict and stress
of living together. This was painful for David, whose childhood story
is that of a father who essentially exited the relationship. And I seemed
impossibly discontent to David at times, which was especially difficult
for a man who, as a boy, had tried mightily and without success to please
his sad, angry, and burdened mother.
We cared deeply for one another and tried to listen and be present, but
suffered and struggled in many of our efforts. So about a year and a half
ago, I told David that I needed us to go to an Imago therapist. There
was something about that work that spoke to me; I sensed that it could
open some doors for us that we couldn't even see.
In February of 2003, we made the journey to Orlando to spend three days
in the "Adventures in Intimacy" workshop given by Hedy and Yumi
Schliefer. It was there that we began the practice of crossing the bridge
over into the world of the other and suspending our own judgments, thoughts,
and agendas to make that important visit. It moved me deeply to touch
into the world of David, the child, and I saw that his compassion for
me also deepened as he came to know that wounded, young part of me. Now,
I try never to forget the child present in David when he brings an issue
to me. It helps me to remain present and feel safe when he brings those
issues to me in a dialog.
Our Imago journey has not been dramatic, but rather a gentle deepening.
Because we were new at the practice of dialog, we found that we needed
some help to contain and direct our process, so we have been working with
an Imago coach twice a month for a year. I notice that I exit less and
stay present more. I also carry around a knowing inside that David loves
and cherishes me. It seems to me that David also feels safer with me and
that he carries a knowing that I cherish him.
As safety and connection grow between us, I touch the possibility and
hope of ever-deepening connection. What might that mean for me and for
David, and how might we touch others in a profound and healing way when
we come from that place? We are perhaps young in this journey, but it
is good to be here, present and deepening. We are grateful for the Imago
process as a guide and friend along the way.
David and Maggie's Story:
"One Year and a Half-Inch"
by David
I had been using an internet matchmaking service for about a year with disappointing results, meeting very nice, but incompatible women. I was really getting tired of it, and revised my profile to be more specific and demanding, hoping to scare off the time-wasters.
After a couple months of zero activity (I scared them off!) I was contacted by a woman who fit everything I was looking for. She had been having a similar experience, and only found me when she widened her search criteria to include someone a few years younger. She NEVER considered being with someone a year or two younger, and only thought about it after experiencing a few dead ends and having some time on her hands to search the database more thoroughly.
We were both amazed at how we both were seeking the same things and not finding anyone that fit what we were seeking. Turns out that my searches never found her because she is a HALF-INCH shorter than the minimum I used in my criterion. So we had missed each other all this time by the margin of one year and a half-inch!
In addition, turns out we had met about six months earlier in a singles setting. I don't recall our meeting, but she does! At this writing, Maggie and I have been together for almost two years, and have entered a committed relationship, bought a house together and blended our families. She is a wonderful woman, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am grateful for her being in my life and for deciding to consider dating a younger man!