Group
Support
Dialog
Groups
Study
Groups
Self-Led Dialogue Support Groups
Goals
Dialogue Groups create a safe environment for couples who have experience with Imago to practice basic Imago techniques (mirroring, validating, and empathizing) with the mentoring and support of other experienced couples. They are intended to support the Couple's Dialogue and not other Imago therapy processes (i.e. Behavior Change Requests, Container Dialogues, etc). It is highly recommended that no "regressive" work is done in a Dialogue Group, and that couples who want to deepen their work be referred to an Imago therapist in their area.
Required Experience
Dialogue Groups are facilitated by a mentor couple familiar with Imago processes, with a minimum of the following experience:
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Have taken a Getting The Love You Want weekend workshop
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Have read Getting the Love You Want
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Have completed 8-10 therapist led dialogues with a certified Imago therapist, or 20 hours of therapist-led Imago work.
Participating couples should have similar Imago experience (participation in a weekend workshop, completion of the book, Getting the Love You Want, and preferably, some work with a certified Imago therapist. (Couples who would like dialogue experience but who do not meet the prerequisites for Dialogue Groups may participate in Study Groups, where they can learn similar skills).
Group Size, Meeting Time, and Costs
The optimal size of a Dialogue Group is 3 to 5 couples. This smaller size allows every couple to practice and receive feedback, as well as creating a feeling of intimacy and safety. Approximately 20-25 minutes should be allotted for the Couple's Dialogue portion of a meeting.
To maintain consistency and safety, Dialogue Groups meet at least once a month, with each couple committing to at least 6 meetings. A suggested contribution of $5.00 per couple may be collected at each meeting and sent by the mentor couple to ICI in support of their ongoing work and expenses, as well as to pay for refreshments and space rental, if applicable.
Coaching Dialogues
For a new group, it is recommended that the "coaching" of a dialogue be limited to the mentor couple.
Dialogue Support Group Format
6:30pm Group convenes (Chatting, Snacking, Informal Catch-Ups)
7:00pm Group begins
Reading
Check-ins
Appreciations (At least one per person)
Couples Dialogues (Any couple may begin)
Group Feedback
8:50pm Close Group
9:00pm Group Ends
Definitions of Terms in Format
Reading: Open the meeting with a short reading. A suggested list of books to read from might include: The Couples Companion: Meditations and Exercises for Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen Hunt; A Garland of Love by Daphe Rose Kingma or Illuminata by Marianne Williamson.
Check-ins: Each person takes 2-3 minutes and checks in with their partner. Check-ins should be limited to quick, general sends about how their week has been or a particular concern or issue that might be up for them. Check-ins are not dialogues. The partner of the person checking in then summarizes what their partner has said. Partners do not necessarily have to follow each other when checking in.
Appreciations: Each person gives their partner at least one appreciation. Appreciations should be specific, address a behavior that your partner did in the last week or two and should always be stated in the positive (example: "I appreciate that you made time to help we with my project for work last Thursday.") The receiving partner then mirrors the appreciation and says, "your welcome." Partners do not necessarily have to follow each other when giving appreciations.
Couple's Dialogue: A Dialogue Group should consist only practice the Couple's Dialogue as outlined in "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It is highly recommended that the Dialogue Group not use other more regressive Imago processes and have a referral list of Certified Imago Therapists in your area for any couple in the group wishing to deepen their work. (See The Couple's Dialogue below)
Feedback: After a couple has finished a dialogue, everyone in the group gives feedback about their dialogue. At the beginning, only give positive feedback. For example, "What I liked about your dialogue was how well you contained, Mary. And George, I like your courage to bring up the topic of sex. You are a good model for me." After the group has been together for awhile and established some safety among the members, it may be okay to include a suggestion after you have shared what you liked about the person's work. For example, "I'd like to suggest that you raise your hand more often so that you can mirror your partner word for word." If you allow yourselves to give suggestions, make sure they are suggestions about the process, not suggestions on the content of their dialogue.
Close Group: The mentor couple should be responsible for making sure the group end on time. Leave about 10 minutes at the end of the session to schedule your next meeting time and location.
The Couple's Dialog
MIRRORING:
Sender: "I'd like to have a Couple's Dialogue. Is now okay?"
Receiver: "Yes, now is okay."
Sender: Make a short statement.
Receiver: Hold up your hand and mirror your partner word for word.
Sender: Continue sending in short segments
Receiver: Continue to mirror your partner word for word until full message
is sent.
Then ask, "Is there more you would like to say about that?"
VALIDATION:
Receiver: Summarizes partner's send, "In summary, what you're saying is…."
Check out the summary by saying, "Is that a good summary?"
If there is more, continue to mirror word for word.
The receiver then says, "I follow what you're saying and you make
sense."
(This means that what your partner is saying has equal worth to your way
of seeing things. It does not mean, "I agree with you.")
EMPATHY:
Receiver: "I imagine you might be feeling…."
(the receiver makes one or two "feeling" guesses and then checks
those out with your partner by saying, "Is that what you're feeling?"
Receiver: "Are there any more feelings?"
Receiver: "Your feelings make sense."
Receiver: "I would like to respond."
(Now the receiver becomes the sender)
Some suggestions and reminders during a Couple's Dialogue
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Putting your hand up when you'd like to mirror your partner is respectful of the other. It is not respectful to interrupt the sender with your voice. Make sure you wait until your partner comes to the end of their thought or sentence but put you hand up soon enough so that you're able to do accurate word for word mirroring.
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Change "it" and "we" to "I" statements. Talk about "I" and "you." Instead of saying, "It hurts when you embarrass me in public" say, "I felt hurt when you embarrassed me in public." Instead of, "We haven't had a good week" say "I haven't had a good week."
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Dialogue about specific events. Rather than starting a dialogue with, "It really hurts me when you criticize me so much" say, "I felt hurt when you criticized me last night in front of the children."
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Talk about yourself rather than about your partner. Rather than saying, "You are so critical" say "I felt hurt when…."
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To give a good summary, let the sender know that you "got it." A summary is not a memory test. It's to see if you got the essence of the send. Make sure you get the heart of what was intended in you summary.
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When mirroring say, "What you're saying is…." Rather than, "what I hear you saying is…" The "you" might allow for an interpretation by the receiver rather than an accurate mirror of what the sending is saying.