About Imago
Brief History
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed out of the partnership of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. The motivating event was Harville's divorce in 1975 and his subsequent decision to spend the rest of his life exploring the dynamics of intimate partnership—why men and women (and later, all intimate partners, irrespective of gender) have such difficulty being together. In 1977, they begain their relationship and began a conversation about this issue. This conversation and work ahs continued to occupy most of their time to this day. Over the next six years, as a result of research with couples, studying their own relationship, and integrating the relational insights from major western psychological systems and spiritual traditions, Imago began to evolve into a method of therapy for couples.
In 1988, after 10 years of study, research and reflection, they published a book called Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition to another book called Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide, they have also written an Imago book for parents clled Giving the Love That Heals: A Guide for Parents. They have also authored three meditation books for couples, singles, and parents.
The three major books have all been New York Times bestsellers. Harville Hendrix has appeared 14 times on the Oprah Winfrey Show, which has helpedto make Getting the Love You Want a New York Times bestseller on four separate occasions. To date, the book has sold nearly two million copies and been translated into fifty-seven languages. In addition, the Imago community has grown to more than 160 workshop leaders, and over 2000 certified Imago therapists now practicing Imago Therapy in 21 countries.
Brief Summary
The central idea in Imago is that partner selection (the function of romantic attraction) is determined by the fit between an unconscious mental image (the Imago, Latin for image) created by the child's positive and negative interaction with one's parents and the actual traits of the selected person. In other words, the unconscious selects a person for a mate whose positive and negative traits are similar to the combined positive and negative traits of one's caretakers. THe match of the negative traits fuels the power of the attraction, because these traits are connected to childhood frustration about not getting certain needs met. This led to the thesis that the unconscious purpose of committed partnership is to finish childhood—to get needs met in the relationship that were not met by one's parents in childhood.
Conflict is an indication of the failure of the couples to fulfill this unconscious agenda. Failure occurs because the selected partner, having negative traits similar to the negative traits in one's caretakers, is least capable of meeting the unmet childhood needs. The question arose: Why does the unconscious select an incompatible partner? The answer seems to be that the unconscious will accept childhood needs satisfaction only from the caretakers or from a person who is similar to the caretakers. It will not accept them from a person who can meet them, i.e., a person who is not similar to the caretakers. Conflict, which ruptures connection in the adult relationship, reenacts the rupture of connection in childhood with caretakers.
While some of these dynamics were known in traditional psychotherapy, the answer there was that adults have to surrender the fantasy of getting their childhood needs met in their adult intimate relationships, grive the loss of that fantasy, grow up and accept reality. Imago takes the stance that, since these needs are survival-related and seem non-negotiable, and since we had no experience with anyone being willing or able to surrender their unmet childhood needs, we needed a therapy that would help couples meet each other's needs. The result has been a markedly successful clinical relational practice, as well as the development of tools that have wider social applications.
Harville and Helen developed a process that would facilitate growth in one partner and healing in the other, and thereby create connection in the adult intimate partnership that would heal the disconnection from childhood. They developed a dialogue process that has become the primary therapeutic intervention. They also removed the healing process from the therapist-client relationship and located it instead in the partner-partner relationship. The therapist has become the facilitator of the dialogue process, but not the source of the healing.
Dialogue consists of three parts:
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Mirroring, which enables each partner to truly listen to each other's concerns and needs without comment or judgment.
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Validation, which helps partners to see that the inner world of the other makes sense, that it has logic of its own. This enables the listening partner to see the partner's truth without judgment. Each person's reality is accepted and respected.
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Empathy, which enables the listening partner to acknowledge, and at a deper level to experience and participate in, the emotions that accompany the speaking partner's truth.
While dialogue begins as a communication process that helps couples deeply understand each other, constant practice of the process creates a dialogical relationship—a life style of contact, connection and communion that sustains mutual healing. This shifting of consciousness begins in the primary love relationship, and can radiate out into a diversity of social contexts.
Further Resources
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(2/14/06) Read an interview with Imago Relationship Therapist Anna Marie Franco, who talks about her experiences with helping couples to learn Imago Relationship Skills.